In Which I Rant About a Stupid Movie

Firstly, my dear readers, I have a public service announcement. I am all out of Elemental bookmarks at this time. My publisher is ordering me more, so they should be coming soon. However, if you've made an order recently and haven't gotten your bookmarks in the mail yet, this is why. I've had a LOT of interest in them (really, amazing amount of interest) and my publisher is having a hard time keeping up with it I think. I feel so bad because it seems like they'll send me a box and a week later I have to tell them I need more.

Which is because you guys are awesome. It's true.

Secondly, I keep looking at my blog and starting new posts, but I can never think of what to say. I think I've inundated you with enough things Elemental for a while (and I really don't want my blog to be only about that--besides, I have the info on the sidebars. If you want to find it, it's there). I really want to blog about something else.

But then I sit...

And nothing.

I blame it on the heat. My brain is cooked. Steam is coming off my head--sometimes literally!

But this weekend, I thought of a post. And it's a rant style post. Well, maybe really only a review, but it's a bad review, so I'll call it a rant.

Immortals, the movie.

These images look awesome, don't they? Yes, yes they do.

On the screen? Not so much.

I don't even know where to begin with how bad this movie is. The settings were cheasy (really, the home of the gods looked like a scene out of the original Clash of the Titans movie--you know the one way before CGI when everything literally looked like a stage with painted scenery behind the actors?) Those really cool looking costumes? Well, on screen they looked like plastic armor you might get for halloween.

And the point of everything? I still haven't figured it out. The movie jumped from scene to scene with no continuity. We first see Hyperion shooting a glowing arrow at a box filled with a bunch of identical-looking prisoners. Cut to a tiny, round bed with four beautiful women. Well, apparently an oracle just had a vision. This is fine. This makes sense. It's probably the only thing in the whole movie that does make sense.

The ladies know that Hyperion will be looking for the oracle, so they run. And lo and behold, Hyperion is outside right now! Killing people! As far as oracles go, she really needs to work on her timing. Well, they escape, though you don't see them do it. You just know they do it because Hyperion struts into the temple, demanding some guard tell him where the oracle is. And then he sets the guy on fire.

Cut to some cliff village with a temple thing that looks like it's probably the famed labyrinth in Greek mythology (though I believe the labyrinth actually does exist--the minotaur is the myth part). Well, this cliff village with no vegetation and literally on a sheer cliff hundreds of feet from the ocean (so you know they're not fishing) is Theseus's home. You get a little time with him and some very wise guy who is preparing him to be a hero. But Theseus doesn't want to be a hero. He just wants to protect his mother, should the need ever arise.

An alarm goes off! Some big bell type thing is wrung and people come running out of their homes. A soldier says that Hyperion and his army is a day away and is coming for them. So they prepare to leave. Apparently, the peasants aren't allowed to leave until the next day. This is not explained. I assume it's because they live on a cliff and any trail out of there is not very wide, so letting everyone leave at the same time would just slow everything down. Again, this is an assumption. The writer and director left a lot of the movie to assumption.

Theseus and his mother are peasants, so some soldier approaches them and tells them they can't leave. Theseus is angry because he's trying to protect his mother. A fight ensues, Theseus wins, and the Greek soldier is shamed. 

Greek soldier leaves that night to join Hyperion and gets to the oracle temple (where Hyperion and his army is) that night! Weren't we just told Hyperion was a day away? He hasn't moved one step closer to this cliff town and yet this defecting soldier gets to him in a couple of hours. *head smack* 

There's a scene with defecting soldier and Hyperion in which the director gets to show us how cruel Hyperion is and how cool gore is.

It's the next day! The sun is high in the sky! And Theseus is strolling over to wise, old guy's house (which is far away from the rest of the cliff town--and wise, old guy turns out to be Zeus, who turns into very young guy when Athena shows up. He's now long gone. He left the night before). The peasants haven't left yet, though. It's the next day, so they're allowed to leave, the sun is out, and they KNOW Hyperion is coming. But they're not leaving. You get the sense that Theseus is getting ready to leave, that's why he's going to wise, old guy's house, but you don't KNOW this. Well, Theseus sees a hawk and gets a funny feeling and runs to the where the rest of the town is (aka, where his mother is--yeah, the same mother who he has sworn to protect). 

Hyperion and his goons are there. Surprise, surprise. Again, they traveled much faster than a day.

Theseus sees some soldier grab his mother and who is just about to kill her. He roars and rushes at the soldiers. The movie goes into slow-mo to show the gore and Theseus's amazing skills. The movie does this a lot.

And yet, he doesn't make it. Hyperion wants Theseus to watch his mother die now. She dies, Theseus screams, and we're left wondering why he left her alone in the first place. He knew they were coming! He's always said his only purpose was to protect her! *sigh* 

Oh! I forgot! There are little scenes here and there where Hyperion spouts off about how he MUST find the oracle because she knows where some magical bow is. 

Next scene, Theseus and a bunch of other guys in shackles are in some building in a desert. And so are the oracle and her ladies!!! How did Hyperion get them?? You're left wondering what the heck is going on. Is Theseus really captured?? Did the ladies save them and now they're hiding out?? It's not until the oracle communicates a plan to escape to her ladies that you realize yes, Hyperion captured them.

Well, long story short, Theseus gets the bow and has it for like ten minutes. He trips over his own feet and drops it. Some warrior he is. Really? A warrior favored by Zeus drops his weapon? A hyena (one of Hyperion's) snatches it up and runs to Hyperion (who is now at Mount Tartarus where the Titans are being held).

Now, let me talk about the gods. Oh, boy. First off, they look ridiculous in their cheap, gold skirts and plastic hats. They're not helmets. Helmets cover heads for protection. These are more like metal headdresses. 

You only hear Zeus and Athena's names. Which means you have to guess who everyone else is. Poseidon is pretty easy to guess because has a trident. I don't know what his ridiculous hat was supposed to be. The other guy had a spiky hat. I thought the whole time he was Apollo. I found another review this morning and read he was apparently Ares. Which makes a little more sense. I was wondering where Ares was. He is the god of war, after all.

Speaking of gods of war. There are two of them. Athena and Ares. Athena spent most of the movie crying and slobbering all over herself. The goddess of war, wisdom, and weaving was portrayed as a crying, whiny, fool. At one point, she asks Zeus if they're at war. She's the goddess of war and she doesn't know if they're at war??

Unbelievable.

Also, Zeus has forbidden them to interfere. He says that's their law. The greek gods do NOT interfere with human affairs. Um...since when?

They're called gods OF something for a reason! They interfere! They help! Or they hinder. That was the point of them. If you wanted to win a war, you made a sacrifice to Athena or Ares and if they chose you, you'd win. You want fair weather when you're sailing somewhere? You appeal to Poseidon. 

They. Interfere.

Zeus actually was portrayed pretty well (even though he didn't look a bit like he was supposed to look). Zeus often made rules he didn't hold himself to. 

But where was Hera? Where was Apollo? Where were ALL the major gods? And why were the ones who WERE there wearing ridiculous, cheap gold skirts?

In the end, Theseus rallies a bunch of greek soldiers to fight Hyperion and his men and to defend a gate that apparently didn't need defending because Hyperion went to the TOP of the wall where the door to the Titan prison was. Nothing made sense about this movie. If you want to watch something that has a lot of exploding bodies shown in slow motion, you'll like it.

If you like movies that have a well-written, consistent story, you'll hate it.

There's my rant. I hope it entertained you. :)