Friday, June 1, 2012

My Head is Stuck

So! I promised some queries and pitches to share with everyone for feedback. Sigh... My brain has broken.

I have bits of queries, but I can't move beyond that. It could have something to do with screaming voices in the background...

My children are adorable--they really are (the best in the world!)--but they fight CONSTANTLY. Do all kids do this??

So here's what I have so far for Disenchanted (my YA paranormal):

Lilly Grey knows exactly who she is: the albino freak of Bethlehem, NY. 

Lilly has one friend, so she's doing all right. That is until she goes to a party where anybody who's anybody will be. At first she thinks the worst part of her night is when her best friend ditches her for some guy. But when Lilly gets stared down by a group strangers, she knows her bad night has just entered a whole new level of crazy.

She's used to being stared at, laughed at, whatever. But this is different. These boys hate her. And when girls start disappearing, Lilly knows exactly who to blame.

But she's wrong. And Lilly doesn't know how wrong she is until it's too late for both her and the only friend she's ever had.

From my untitled magic realism work:

In Angel Grace's world of twenty-first century Victorian America, magic is common. A little too common for some people's tastes. Especially when most of those with magic acquire it by very low means indeed.

But Angel isn't common...

...Most people would kill for immortality, but Angel just might end up dying from it. Because even in a world full of magic, a phoenix is just not acceptable society.

Yeah, that's it. Thoughts? 

By the way, I have a love/hate relationship with this stuff. I love doing it because it's fun, but I hate it because I suck at it. :o


  1. I voted for you and your book in both categories.
    As for the queries, ther eis something in the first that doesn't quite follow. The assumption that just because guys would look at her with hate, that they would be assumed to be killers, is I guess the chink in the logic. But then, you say that she's wrong about it anyway. That section needs a little tweak.
    As for the second one, I love the premise that one had to sometimes get magic from the "low" fringes of society.
    Both are good, just not completely done.
    Good luck with those sweet but noisy kids!

  2. These are really great starting points. If you want to get better at queries, the authority (in my humble opinion) is Elana Johnson. She probably has some blog posts on it you can dig up. I don't know--I've never checked. I saw a presentation at a conference by her once and it was PHENOMENAL!

    As for these, I think they're pretty good. I agree with Catherine that the first one could use some embellishment. Who is the unnamed friend? I don't know if not naming her is part of the plot, but that was distracting to me. Maybe give her a name of some kind for the blurb? Also, how is she involved in the incident? Your last line implies that she's in as much danger as the main character, but how and why? Finally, does the entirety of your story take place in a single night? If yes, then great. If not, you may want to consider branching out to include more of the overall story in the query blurb, not just the inciting incident. Of course only you know your story and if these suggestions will work.

    I am really intrigued by the second one, much as Catherine was. This blurb, though, isn't complete. You put in a good bit of world-building, which is great! It shows us what the character is up against in her society. It doesn't, however, give us the actual conflict of the story. What exactly will she be doing or fighting against. What other characters populate her world. My only other suggestion here is first line of your last paragraph. That line, about dying from immortality, is fabulous! That's the one that's going to get the reader's attention. If I were you, I'd try to manipulate that line so that you're ending on it. As in "Most people would kill for immortality, but if Angel doesn't find some way to do x, y, and z, she may end up dying from it..." or something along those lines. You fill in the blanks.

    Anyway, great premises! I'm sure your finished queries will be great. Hope this feedback helps! Happy query-writing!

  3. Emily, I have a knack for queries. I'd be happy to help you polish them when you're closer to finished and ready to query! Just drop me a line - you know the email address! Kimmy :)

  4. Disenchanted seems so exciting counting what else you wrote and have on mind. I can't wait 'till you release more information and create a tab for this new book! You have got to continue on this idea. Don't yet give up on a thing. :) There are so many mysteries in the summary and your shown work. I really want to see the secrets and better understand the whole story. Seems so cool. ALSO, I totally love your idea of your love/hate relationship and how it works. I'd say I have a similar relationship (sorta.) But, I think my relationship is backwards.
    LOVE: Thinking about it (maybe writing) because I rock at it and am pretty good.
    HATE: I don't write enough and I'm not sure how to have fun with writing. I dooo have some fascination in writing though.

  5. I fought a lot with my siblings growing up. Hell, we still sometimes fight, especially when my little sister is involved. So no worries!

  6. Hi Emily just stopping by! I'm Rachel-we met today at BEA on line for that random middle grade author (LOL) and then we talked about Shannon Messenger, your book your blog and what your other Spencer Hill author friends got at BEA. Hope you had a great rest of the day...Just stopping by signed in with my blog if you want to take a look. All the best!


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