A Bit About Me--My Men

I know that I said I was going to put the poll up on Friday, but there were a couple of them that I just ultimately didn't like. So instead, this is the last template choice and now you have from now until Friday to vote. I'm letting you guys choose, so make sure to make your opinion known!

Now about my men...

Yes, I have two gorgeous little boys who smother me with kisses and love each and every day. I'm a lucky woman. The blonde one is Gabriel (2 1/2 years) and the wild and crazy brunette is Elijah (10 months). They are my bittersweet babies. I told you on Monday that I would tell you today why I'm having a hard time writing a particular scene. Well, the reason is because I'm actually the mother of four little children. Both of those handsome little boys up there would not be alive today if I hadn't lost their siblings before them.

Each time I thank God for my little miracles, my happy thoughts are tinged with guilt. How could I possibly be grateful for the circumstances that brought these children to me? But how can I possibly not be overjoyed that they are in my life? Bittersweet.

My first one was due on April 26th, three years ago. This is a particularly hard time of year for me, so trying to write a scene where the character describes how he lost his children is getting to me. And yet, if I hadn't lost him, I wouldn't be able to know the joy that is Gabriel. And Gabriel is wonderful. He is amazingly well-behaved for a two year old, though he does attempt to manipulate me quite often. He knows that his puppy dog eyes and kisses can get me to forget that I told him to do something rather easily.

My third child was due on January 19th a little over a year ago. That particular date makes me feel especially guilty because it is the day after my birthday. I don't feel right being happy when I should be mourning. And yet, I am often happy because Elijah is my little sweetheart, my bear. His wild 'do makes me laugh all the time. I'm never going to be able to cut it off.

There are times when I feel like an absolute monster and an utter failure for not doing enough to keep my children alive. But most of the time I know that it was out of my hands and I couldn't have done anything to change the circumstances. I don't know why God chose to have me lose two of my children, but I can't be mad about it. I've learned so much from the experience and I have Gabriel and Elijah--my little gifts--to be thankful for.

So today's post is going to be dedicated to the little ones I never got to name, but know as "my most precious ones" in my heart.

~Emily White